At some point I Laid down a mental list of subjects I wasn’t going to touch in this blog. Health issues was one of them. But with readership down and me no longer taking prednisone, I’ve decided I can’t afford to not tap this goldmine of self-depricating neurotic humor.
This is dedicated to Quirk who’s having existential discomfort over turning thirty-seven. I think I dislocated my sachroiliac.. That’s the joint that connects your spine to your hips. I feel like I have some credence when it comes to diagnosing a dislocated sachroiliac because it’s happened to me at least twice before. The first time, or any of the pre going to the doctor with it times, I just rode it out, stretched and heated until it popped back in by itself. The first time I took it to the doctor was after a management conference at Lake Okoboji. (I’ve got the Iowan’s, Nebraskan’s, Minnesotan’s and South Dakotan’s attention now.) I was driving down to this North Central Iowa party center. I kissed Beck goodbye and leaned over to pick up my lightly packed duffle and POW, something snapped at the base of my spine, just right of center. I couldn’t stand up straight, I couldn’t walk without considerable pain. I immediately did Minnesota first aid, which is to say, “I’ll ignore it and see if it goes away.”
There’s nothing like a few hours in a car to really make a bad back into a really bad back. But I didn’t notice much after the Iowa border because I came screaming over a hill on a two lane country highway, 20 over to see a trooper with a car stopped. As I went by, I realized the miscreant was my boss, who I’d been teasing about driving too fast since I started working for her. Still chuckling to myself over that, I arrived at the resort to find it full of bikini clad high school cheerleaders. I was told that I couldn’t get into my cabin yet because the cheerleaders were leaving. The clerk saw the obvious disappointment on my face and said, “Don’t worry, there’s another group coming in tomorrow.” Picture this. Sitting in a room with thirty other people most of whom are hung over, taking turns reading from technical and process training manuals. The room has a great view of the swimming pool below. The swimming pool is crawling with semi naked teenage girls. It’s way too hot in the room. I am delirious with pain.
I made it home, still miserable. Went to work and decided to go to urgent care. I get assigned to a woman doctor who looked more like one of the volunteers from the local high school. It’s a real milestone in your life when all the doctors start looking like Doogie Howser. She was about 5’3” and couldn’t have weighed much more than a hundred pounds. First she examined my to see if there was any nerve problems. And then she started pulling on my legs. She looked up, gave me a big smile and said, “The bad news is that you’ve dislocated your sachroiliac, I can tell because your legs aren’t the same length, the good news is I can fix it. Hang on a second, I don’t think the other doc on this shift has ever seen this done. I’m going to go find him.”
She returned without her associate and said she was just going to do it. I’m trying to remember the wrestling hold she had me in. It involved me holding the opposite knee to my chest while she used my body for leverage and push pulled on my leg and torso. “I’m going to count to three and you push as hard as you can on that leg when I get to three. One, two three.” I had assumed she meant push off like I was going up for a rebound. She flew across the room and hit the wall. Bouncing off, she comes at me with this look of amused anger. “I meant a slow, steady push, I didn’t mean you should kick me!”
So getting our signals straight, we tried again. There was a pop. She said, “You should have some residual pain from the joint trauma, but you’re fine now. Just take some Tylenol. I stood up from the examination table and was immediately able to stand up straight and walk without pain. She gave me some exercises to do to help prevent it happening again. If I had gotten her associate, he probably would have given me some muscle relaxants and said to put some heat on it. It would have eventually popped back in by itself. In a week or two or three.